Heathenisha

I have an alter ego on the Internet. Her name is Heathenisha.

Back when I was dating Dreamy, I still needed to maintain a presence on OkCupid to keep up with my friends' dates, check out profiles of guys they were going out with, recommend people for them in moments when they were feeling frustrated, etc. So, I created Heathenisha, a totally blank profile with my age, relationship status, astrological sign, etc. (Her name's not really Heathenisha. That's right, my fake profile has a fake blog name.)

Over time, I shared Heathenisha's username and password with friends. It started with Slinky, who by the time I was back on OkC was off, so I needed her to check out my dates. Next came Surfer Girl; we'd look up guys on our iPhones whose profiles we'd already looked at so many times we didn't want to seem like stalkers. Eventually, I gave her info to my entire dating support group.

Shortly thereafter, Heathenisha's personality started to take shape. Men are attracted to women who like red, and boy, does Heathenisha like red. She loves Rudolf the Red-nosed Reindeer, as well as Little Red Riding Hood and Stendhal's Le Rouge et le Noir. She wears a lot of rubies, and usually steers clear of pink but is considering moving in that direction. She's a cat lady, and until the staff robots at OkC flagged and removed it, there was a lovely photo of a cat as her profile pic. She's tall and full-figured. Sorry, men whose favorite color is blue: she's not interested.

As to the men who are interested in Heathenisha, there are a surprising number. (My co-worker C complains that Heathenisha gets more messages than she does.) One came from a promising suitor living in England whose username was bored_hubby (sexy!). Another recent epistle started out, "You haven't been contacted in over a week!? I find that hard to believe. RED!" As I was writing this blog post, another one came in: "I've always wanted to date a 7'5" woman who keeps halal... it's been so hard to find her!" Who knew.

Over the past week, as I've been on hidatus, I've logged on to Heathenisha's profile a couple of times to search for matches for when I go off hidatus. Let me tell you, if you ever want to feel pessimistic about dating, use Heathenisha to look for matches. It's bleak who OkC thinks she should go out with. Unattractive, overweight sports fans who drink beer on their Friday nights, are unemployed and live in the 'burbs. OkC really doesn't seem to have a high opinion of Heathenisha's potential to attract men.

Apparently, no one's told the staff robots at OkCupid that all men really want is a woman who loves the color red.

Breakup recovery strategies

This breakup is small potatoes, so it's been a fast recovery. I'm well into the acceptance phase at this point. It's been interesting to notice how it progresses and think about what makes me feel better. Here are a few suggestions:

1) Make fun plans. I am going to be in a canoe race!! I will probably bring shame to my team, but who cares as long as it makes me feel better? Also coming up soon: trapeze lessons! Thank you, Groupon.

2) Let yourself perseverate on it for a few days. Not for too long, but perseveration is part of the process. Alternate perseverating with distraction.

3) Find friends who will meet you where you are. If you are perseverating, they will listen to you. If you are in the cocoon of denial, they don't try to force you out of it. Everyone (including me) forgets sometimes that the cocoon of denial is normal and healthy, but it is. Just don't forget to emerge from the cocoon when you're ready.

4) Write a goodbye card, then wait a week to send it. Some say it's giving him power by making him think you're still thinking about him; I say framing it in a positive way gives YOU power by not allowing him to feel you are the victim. E.g., "I think it's lame to act so excited about someone and then change your mind out of the blue. However, I enjoyed the time we spent together and am choosing to remember it fondly and think of you as a decent, if confused, guy." [Read: You suck, but it doesn't bother me and I'm not going to hold any grudges.]

5) Do yoga in the park with your neighbor, and embrace the fact that you're being stereotypically white and the black kids playing ball probably think you're ridiculous.

6) Defriend him on Facebook, erase all his texts and his phone number, and trash his Valentine's gifts. Well, maybe not the monkey, cause that was really cute.

(Damn him for getting me a gift subscription to a magazine! Did he plan it so I would be FORCED to think of him every month for an entire year??)

7) Read a good book. Detective novels are awesome at times like these. Fred Vargas is the best, and the fact that it's written in French puts me to sleep really quickly even when I'm feeling kinda tortured.

8) Let's not forget alcohol. Bless my friend R for reminding me that now would be a good time to break open that bottle of grappa. Thank you, grappa, for all your love and support this week.

9) And then move on. As a friend in my dating support groups says, NEXT!