Saturday, February 9, 2013

Heathenisha finds her man

I don't know whether to feel elated about this, or depressed, or both. But I think my fake OkCupid profile who has taken on a life of her own, Heathenisha, has found her perfect man -- before me! How is this possible when she's been online a solid two years less than me and hasn't gone on a single date??

Heathenisha is the profile I created back when I was dating Dreamy. At first, she was just a blank profile for me to use to check out friends' dates. But gradually I started giving out the password, and when friends asked if they could fill out her profile, I assented. By now, at least 15 people use Heathenisha, and "to Heathenisha" has become a verb amongst my friends (meaning "to look up profiles from a fake account"). Meanwhile, she has taken on an eccentric, communally-created personality: She is well over 7 feet tall and loves two things above all others, namely her cat, Rudolf, and the color red.

Yesterday Slinky and I were gchatting and she was simultaneously Heathenisha-ing when she brought the following profile to my attention:

Username: MarryMePronto

Self-summary: I'm just a romantic man looking for love. I already have the ring. I just need the finger. Like Cinderella and the glass slipper, your ring finger could be just the ticket to a fairytale wedding. No long courtship. I just want to be a Mister with a Mrs.

What I'm doing with my life: Looking for the one. I've been trying for years but, as you know, dating is hard. So finally I just decided to wish it to be so. So I bought the ring and I know it's going to happen. I just have to believe.

I'm really good at: Knowing what girls like. Seriously. I've got the china patterns all picked out. I like long conversations. I WANT to hear about your day. Every day. In our house. Where married people live.

Favorite books: Anything by Dr. Phil. I also like "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". And the "Twilight" series. It's so romantic.

Favorite movies: Legally Blonde, Pretty Woman, Cinderella (Disney version), Sixteen Candles, and Ever After

The 6 things I could never do without: My ring, my future wife, my sense of romance, my cat, Britney, aromatherapy candles, bubble Baths

I spend a lot of time thinking about: My wedding day. I know women usually do this and it sounds cliché but I can't wait to say "I do". It's going to be the best day of my life.

And the photos? All pictures of a dude holding out a diamond ring. AMAZING. 

I think Britney and Rudolf are going to have a very happy future together. 

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