Heathenisha finds her man

I don't know whether to feel elated about this, or depressed, or both. But I think my fake OkCupid profile who has taken on a life of her own, Heathenisha, has found her perfect man -- before me! How is this possible when she's been online a solid two years less than me and hasn't gone on a single date??

Heathenisha is the profile I created back when I was dating Dreamy. At first, she was just a blank profile for me to use to check out friends' dates. But gradually I started giving out the password, and when friends asked if they could fill out her profile, I assented. By now, at least 15 people use Heathenisha, and "to Heathenisha" has become a verb amongst my friends (meaning "to look up profiles from a fake account"). Meanwhile, she has taken on an eccentric, communally-created personality: She is well over 7 feet tall and loves two things above all others, namely her cat, Rudolf, and the color red.

Yesterday Slinky and I were gchatting and she was simultaneously Heathenisha-ing when she brought the following profile to my attention:

Username: MarryMePronto

Self-summary: I'm just a romantic man looking for love. I already have the ring. I just need the finger. Like Cinderella and the glass slipper, your ring finger could be just the ticket to a fairytale wedding. No long courtship. I just want to be a Mister with a Mrs.

What I'm doing with my life: Looking for the one. I've been trying for years but, as you know, dating is hard. So finally I just decided to wish it to be so. So I bought the ring and I know it's going to happen. I just have to believe.

I'm really good at: Knowing what girls like. Seriously. I've got the china patterns all picked out. I like long conversations. I WANT to hear about your day. Every day. In our house. Where married people live.

Favorite books: Anything by Dr. Phil. I also like "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". And the "Twilight" series. It's so romantic.

Favorite movies: Legally Blonde, Pretty Woman, Cinderella (Disney version), Sixteen Candles, and Ever After

The 6 things I could never do without: My ring, my future wife, my sense of romance, my cat, Britney, aromatherapy candles, bubble Baths

I spend a lot of time thinking about: My wedding day. I know women usually do this and it sounds cliché but I can't wait to say "I do". It's going to be the best day of my life.

And the photos? All pictures of a dude holding out a diamond ring. AMAZING. 

I think Britney and Rudolf are going to have a very happy future together. 

Dating like a grown-up

I'm feeling good about my dating life lately. Not that anything terribly exciting is happening; it's still rare for me to get to a third date, and I seem to have dates with an endless parade of men named either Matt or Dave. (Last week I had four dates, out of which 75% were named either Matt or Dave.  Can't anyone get a bit more creative with the names?) They're smart, interesting men, and I have fun with them, but it's hard to feel like I have skin in the game with any of them.

In the past, the men I've been seriously interested in I've liked instantly. It took me all of five hours to fall hopelessly in love with l'Artista (and there were no words exchanged during that time, since I spoke no Italian and he no English), and I became smitten with La Moustache the second time I met him. I was even quite taken with Dreamy on our first few dates, strange as that now seems. But these days it's hard to imagine that happening. I have a career, and a craft business on the side, and a million other things going on. I'm not sure I have it in me to meet someone and have them become the immediate focus of my attention (though if I have gleaned one rule about dating from my experiences, it's to never make predictions because you NEVER know what will happen).

There are a lot of positive aspects of not having skin in the game. For starters, I am finding it much easier to put myself out there. So, last night I was able to tell my date flirtatiously, just before I raced out the door to meet Slinky, "We should have a proper date next time!" My date eagerly agreed, but the next morning I thought back to the part of our date when he showed me about 30 photos of his cat and wondered if I had made a mistake. Last weekend, after a few glasses of wine, I walked up to a Bavarian-looking mountain man in a green vest and said, "I liked your moves on the dance floor." I started to walk away, but he was excited to find himself talking to a cute blond girl and stopped my progress. He didn't end up asking for my number, and I was fine with that; I knew he wanted to and probably kicked himself that he hadn't. And the other day I told Pottery Crush, who I've been sitting across from every Wednesday night for the past 1.5 years and somehow just noticed recently that a) he exists and b) he's a cute, single guy, that we should check out a concert together sometime. We also talked about getting together for some glaze firings... HOT!! (Sorry, I couldn't resist.)

So even though I'm not feeling particularly excited about anyone, there are plenty of eligible bachelors out there. I'm not planning to get invested in any of them for a while. But I am looking forward to a sledding date later this weekend with 95%, a man who seemed so good on paper that I fully expected to feel an immediate connection with him when I met him. I didn't, but I'm going to keep going out with him and see if a connection starts to develop, because I think he's a good egg with a lot of potential. And maybe it's time to stop expecting to find someone who'll make me feel like a teenager, seeing as how it's been a decade and a half since I was one.

The glass is half empty

My sister and I were looking through dating profiles recently. She kept piping in with mostly positive comments: "He sounds really thoughtful!" or "He's artistic, that's good for you." Then, invariably, we'd get to the bottom of the profile and she'd express the same frustration I've felt many times when checking what age the bachelor in question is interested in dating: "Ugh. Another one who only wants younger women." So many men end their age ranges at their own age, or a year or two below. Why??! Are they  following what they perceive to be social norms without thinking about it, do they not want to date someone who's their equal, are they worried about the fertility of older women? In any case, it's offensive.

Finally, we found one whose age range was wider -- he wanted to date women up to age 45, a good 10 years older than he is! I pointed this out hopefully to my sister. She sighed and shook her head regretfully.

"I'm afraid that means he doesn't want children."

Goodbye, Man-sprout

I was looking forward to my long-awaited date with Man-sprout, the man I went out with last April who then canceled our second date last-minute and recently charmed me into agreeing to go out with him again. It had been a looong week, one of the longest I can remember, filled with lots of tears over Big Guy's passing, some soul-searching over whether to take off work and go to his memorial, confusingly kind messages from La Moustache, a small car accident that led to missing an important work meeting... I *really* needed a cocktail.

Instead, I got one line:

Heathen, 

I'm not going to be able to make it tomorrow. Something has come up. 

Man-sprout

Wow. It's hard to know how to respond to this level of rudeness. I decided to just laugh about it and get a cocktail with Slinky instead -- exactly what I did the last time he canceled on me (and SO much more fun than going out with Man-sprout would have been).

Big Guy

When I saw a message from my ex-boyfriend La Moustache in my inbox this afternoon, I knew that something terrible had happened. I thought first of his dad, or his mom. Maybe his uncle, who still sends me occasional sweet messages.

But instead it was our friend and former landlord in Brooklyn, Big Guy. I should have known: of COURSE a 34-year-old black man who lives in Bed-Stuy is at more risk than 60-something, white French people.

Big Guy was one of the kindest, most generous men I've known. He was always available and happy to help; even before I moved in he offered to drive over to my old house to pick me up so I could sign the lease. He brought me to work when the subway wasn't running, and loaned us his car when ours crumpled to its death one day on Atlantic Avenue. He'd try a taste of any food I offered him, but his favorite was my mom's apple cake recipe. I started baking one for him every fall because he loved it so much. He'd come in for a piece or two, then ask for one to take downstairs to his place so he "could really get into it." I pictured him diving face first into the apple cake, crumbs flying in every direction à la Cookie Monster.

He didn't deserve to be shot in the chest by a drunk man accosting a woman who Big Guy was attempting to protect. He certainly didn't deserve to have his arrest record published in the Daily News in an article about his murder -- how is it in any way relevant to what happened that he drove without a license a few times?? Needless to say, his three children don't deserve to grow up without a father.

I don't know anything about the man who shot him, except that it was his birthday and he was drunk. But I imagine that it's possible that when he woke up this morning, hung over and in jail, he regretted his terrible, impulsive action, whether it was for Big Guy's sake or just his own. I hope Obama is able to do something to make it harder to get guns so that a drunk guy doesn't have the option of pulling out a gun and shooting someone in the chest. It's just so... senseless.

Turning into a crotchety old lady

My sister told me this morning that I'm in danger of becoming one of those crabby, crotchety people on the Internet.

And it's true. But it's not my fault. I keep being provoked by men who don't follow my simple rules: If you are interested in someone, contact them and be nice to them. If you aren't interested, don't contact them. Is it too much to expect people to follow this logic on an Internet dating site??

Examples:

• My Enemy: I received a message from a suitor who was amazed that we managed to be 0% match, 0% friends, 93% enemies. I read his profile and was amazed, too. He seemed smart and interesting and he writes for my all-time favorite publication, so I replied to his polite email with a nice email of my own. He wrote back a distinctly unfriendly one-liner; apparently we ARE enemies, after all. How did the Internet know?!
• Ohio: A recent transplant from Ohio reached out. His email was boring, he mentioned wanting to be friends, and his age range ended a year below my age -- even though he's exactly the same age as me! I didn't reply. A few weeks later he tried again; this time I explained my qualms. He wrote back: "I think friendship is the basis for any romantic relationship. And I am sincere when I say that you look much younger than your age!" So you normally wouldn't want to date someone so old, but are willing to make an exception because I don't look old even though I am?? Thanks, but no thanks. (He eventually upped his age range by one year after I pointed this out to him. Why are you not willing to date someone a year or two older than you??)
• Weird Mainer: A guy from my home state wrote to me explaining that he's not interested in dating because "we're probably related," but he thought he'd reach out anyway (his purpose was unclear -- "because we'll probably run into each other eventually." Um, I doubt it.). I'm pretty sure I'm related to three Mainers: my mom, my dad and my sister. If you don't want to date me, don't make up an excuse to explain why. 
• Couchsurfer: Someone who's 'not looking for a relationship' wrote to say he doesn't think we're a match BUT he thinks I'd like Couchsurfing. Actually, if I wanted to find out about travel info, I'd belong to a travel info discussion board. And by the way, everyone in the world already knows about Couchsurfing, and thinks it's weird. Or at least I do. (A sleazy guy I know uses it to meet European women a decade or so younger than him and sleep with them.) And if you don't know about Couchsurfing and want to read all about its weirdness, check out the New Yorker article about it. 

I used to have a note at the end of my profile saying you should get in touch only if you wanted to date me, but I took it down a while back because I wondered if it was unnecessary and might feel negative to a potential suitor. It might be that it's time to reinstate this self-evident truth. 

'Tis the season for exes to come crawling out of the woodwork

It's that time of year when people take stock of their lives, feel lonely, get sentimental, and contact their long-lost loves. I've seen signs of it all over the place, from my roommate mentioning over breakfast that she'd written a boyfriend she's barely spoken to in two years to headlines in Love Letters like Should she reach out to an ex over the holidays? and Contacting a old love [sic].

Some people do it well, like l'Artista, who sent me a sweet note telling me he's been thinking about me a lot lately. These people express their emotions without letting themselves get carried away by them. Other people do it poorly, such as Leif Ericson, who sent me an impersonal, self-serving, AA-style apology note. Six months after the fact, it was utterly unnecessary, and left me feeling that any connection I ever felt to him was imagined. I didn't reply; or maybe I did. (Gmail is giving me mixed messages about whether or not the reply I crafted was ever sent. But it's the thought that counts, and I didn't *mean* to reply.)

I also got an unexpected message from a long-lost date who I never thought I'd hear from again. (I'm a little bit hesitant to link to old posts about him, because I didn't say anything very positive about him and I want to keep an open mind. But what the hell.) He asked me to give him a second chance. I felt ambivalent about it and wasn't sure how to respond, so I asked some friends what they thought I should do. You know when you get the same exact advice from two of your very best advice-givers that it is really quality advice, so I followed it and requested that he provide me with a reason why I should go out with him again. He replied,

Hi Heathen, In the spring what happened was that I started seeing another girl more seriously right around the time when we went out. I agree I screwed up and should have been more straightforward with you and told you what was going on. I regret and and I'm sorry I ruined your Friday night. 

I think you should give me another chance because I thought we had a really good first date, because I think you're very smart and interesting, because on our date I made you laugh (a lot, as I recall), because I think we have a lot in common, because I think you're cute, because I want to talk more about education policy and French things with you, and because I'd like to spend more time with you. That's more than one reason, but I think they're all good. Have I persuaded you?

Man-sprout

I was charmed by this (I like nothing more than a man who likes me!), plus I remembered that he introduced me to one of my favorite music videos of all time, so I agreed. Time will tell if I live to regret this decision -- unless the world ends tonight, of course.